top of page

Perfectionism: Understanding the Fine Line Between Healthy and Unhealthy Habits

kyllikikeller


Perfectionism couple working late at night on the couch

Perfectionism is often characterized by having high standards and a strong urge to perform well. For many, it can be a “style of living,” where individuals find satisfaction and enjoyment in being highly productive without interfering with other meaningful aspects of their lives. For example, working late to prepare for a presentation can bring joy and fulfillment while still allowing for meaningful activities like having dinner with a partner, putting children to bed, or going for a run.


Unhealthy Perfectionism, however, is marked by self-criticism, rigid rules, and unrealistically high standards. This type of perfectionism often leads to significant stress, burnout, and a diminished capacity for enjoyment. When working late is driven by feelings that the work is “not as good as it should be” or that there is a “right” way it should look, unhealthy perfectionism may be at play. It’s crucial to examine the intent behind such behavior: Why am I staying up so late every night? Is this behavior aligned with my values? Is it helping me create the life I want?


Individuals with unhealthy perfectionistic tendencies are often very critical of themselves, harboring thoughts like “I’m not good enough,” “I’m a loser,” or “I’m a failure.” These harsh self-assessments can be viewed as “motivators” to push harder and perform better. However, the constant fear of failure leads to significant stress. High expectations and standards make goal achievement difficult, as the standards are subjective and constantly changing, and the goals are often unrealistic.


Rules vs. Values


Perfectionists often adhere to strict rules such as “I can’t make any mistakes” or “I always have to give my 100%.” Following these rules can be exhausting and demanding. Rules and values can appear similar, but they differ significantly. For instance, the rule “I need to be reliable” can be confused with the value of wanting to be a reliable person. Following this rule might lead to compulsively checking emails and immediately responding to every request. Rules are also rigid and often “all-or-nothing” in nature (“I’m either reliable or not reliable”).


In contrast, values guide behavior in a flexible manner. Values are not about being 100% reliable but about consistently striving to behave in a reliable manner. When we deviate from our values, we can gently remind ourselves and refocus on behaving in a way that aligns with our desired values.


Common Behaviors in Unhealthy Perfectionism


Indecisiveness: Perfectionism often leads to indecisiveness because of the belief that there is a "right" way of doing things or being, or a way to maximize every experience to its fullest potential. This can result in endlessly trying to perfect our work or appearance yet feeling like there's always room for improvement. The problem with constantly seeking the "right" answer—whether it's the perfect gift, outfit, or font for a slideshow—is that it's exhausting and can distract us from being present in the process itself.


Ultimately, despite our efforts, we may never achieve absolute certainty that our chosen path is the best. Life inherently involves uncertainty, and this ongoing quest for perfection can leave us feeling uneasy.


Rumination and Worrying: Unhealthy perfectionism can manifest as constant worry about making mistakes ("messing up") and fear of forgetting something. This often leads to excessive checking and changing, spending hours seeking reassurance that everything is correct and taken care of. Individuals also worry about letting others down or about how they are perceived by others. They fear being judged ("What if they think I am not reliable?"), which can result in endless rumination and seeking reassurance from others. They put excessive effort into making sure everything looks perfect and saying "yes" to undesirable requests, often taking on an excessive workload.


Procrastination:

Fear of failure and harsh self-criticism can lead to procrastination (e.g., worry about failing, making mistakes, not appearing "smart enough," or not getting it "right."). The overwhelming pressure to perform perfectly can make starting or completing tasks difficult. The belief that there is a “right” way of doing things can cause delays and hinder decision-making.


Treatment


One of the first steps in treating unhealthy perfectionism is becoming aware of rigid rules and ideas and exploring their benefits and drawbacks. Understanding whether these behaviors help create the desired life and align with one’s values is crucial.


Learning to interact with and “unhook” from these ideas and difficult feelings is essential but requires a valid reason to change, such as feeling burnt out or stuck in life. Embracing uncertainty and chaos is another important aspect of treatment.


Social skills and assertiveness training can also help those with perfectionism improve their social interactions and reduce stress. By addressing these issues, individuals can work towards a healthier, more balanced approach to productivity and personal fulfillment.

 

 

 

 

 

29 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


bottom of page